Written by Rochelle Gomez

Growing up in a big family, the three words I longed to hear when needing comfort or reassurance were a rarity. In fact, I could count on one hand the very few times these very words were uttered in my adult life from my parents.

It was after viewing the Apple TV+ series Mythic Quest: Raven’s Banquet that highlighted this issue for me. In episode 10, one character Poppy Lee struggles to come to grips with the isolation and lack of emotional connection with others that we all faced in 2020. I, like many, spent more time with my parents and came to realise these very parallels, and it made me think further back at how love was shown growing up. This made me ponder, where does this search for hearing the words ‘I love you’ come from? Why do Asian parents avoid verbal and physical forms of emotional connection such as a hug? Ultimately, do we need to hear that we are loved in order to be loved?

I read a sociological study that explained that the phrase ‘I love you’ is a social reminder that reinforces an intimate and personal bond with another person that helps to justify their importance. If this is so, the Filipino equivalent would be asking the question, ‘have you eaten?’ From my experience, my parents showed their love through banquets of homemade food at celebrations, parties, and on the workday regular. They didn’t say ‘I love you’, they showed it. Similar to my mum helping me with my math schoolwork (that clearly wasn’t my calling), making sure I was well fed was her way of saying ‘I love you’, and for her, actions speak louder than words.


So why is there such a lack of verbal connection? Going to school in Australia I was thoroughly encouraged to express myself, to put myself out there, and to raise my hand when I knew the answers to questions, and especially when I didn’t. But the majority of Filipino school teachings and certainly my parents had the reverse approach, being taught to internalise those urges and to put your head down, do the work, not to linger or question and move on. So can we really fault our parents if that form of self-expression was something that was taught to be suppressed?

To this today, I still struggle to incorporate the phrase ‘I love you’ within my familial relationships. One way I have found to express this is through my chosen family, my friends. For me, verbally saying the words collectively gives me a sense of importance. It also lets me know that I am in a comfortable space to be who I am and makes me feel at home. For me, I want to hear those words, and like a hug that I eagerly embrace with open arms, I want to feel that I am loved. But, for my parents, the lack of saying these three words is something ingrained in their culture. It is often seen as too affectionate, too tender, too ‘western’.

As a social experiment with my parents, I dipped my toes into uncharted verbal emotional waters. I cringed as the words left my mouth. But instead of those same words reciprocated, I was instead left with an awkward silence, staring glares and the accusatory follow up question, “what do you want?” and, “what have you done?” I know it’s not part of their culture, and they have no need to change, so I don’t doubt that they love me. 

Despite their awkward reaction to my little experiment, I’m still adamant to find more opportunities to say ‘I love you’ to my parents (even if it’s just for special holidays). I want it to become part of the everyday lingo (eventually). While this verbal relationship with my parents still has a long way to go, I think it’s an important step in breaking down the emotional barriers in our relationship. I want them to feel what I feel when I hear those words - the weight, value, and importance of one simple phrase.

So how will you break the inter-generational stigma behind the words ‘I love you’?